Friday, November 30th 204/336

For the 1st time in my treatment, I had a reaction to my injection last night. I started shivering in the middle of the night and I woke up with chemo brain. Starbuck's, dog to the river for our daily 2 mile walk. Tonight, we're off to SF as our flight leaves for NYC out of SFO at 11:30 on Saturday. Sunday is the Hepsie lunch, Monday is off on the train to Chatham, New Jersey to see my brother and his family. Tuseday is a free day except for dinner at M's favorite restaurant. Wednesday, I take the Subway to have lunch with Myrel Glick, we used to work together before she moved back to Brooklyn. Only 132 more days of tx. All is well and bye for now.

The view out our office window

Thursday, November 29th 203/336 Shot #30

Today I got up at 7:30 and got ready to see my scherring-Plough study doctor at Kaiser at 9:30. When I got there I asked my nurse if I could take my shot through the airport security. She quickly said, tell'em you got da hepsie and you'll be surprised at how quickly they get you on the airplane". Stupid me, I asked, "What's da hepsie?" She kept saying it and I still didn't understand. "Tell them you have Hep C and they won't even talk to you because they're afraid you'll give it to them". Oh, I get it, I got da hepsie, duh!

M and I have been together for going on 7 years. When we met, she was 24, and now she's almost 32. She has evolved into a woman over the years and now she's evolving into an analyst and guess who her patient is? yes, that's right, me! She is analyzing my 59 year old ass to death. So many questions about my childhood. I hated my parents, my father was an abusive, absentee alcoholic. My mother tried her best but she was a prescription drug addict who was a nurse in a practice with 3 surgeons. She was lacking in parenting skills to say the least. Add this too, they didn't like each other, and you come up a little short in childhood. So what do you want to know again?

When I went to the park today, a commercial came on the radio and it had a barking dog in it. My dog Billy went nuts looking for it, I almost crashed. Oh well, people should have their drivers license suspended when they're on this crap.

24 week test results

Viral Load=undectectable >30
Hgb=12.7
Wbc=2.48
Plats=190

All is well and bye for now

Sigmund Freud

Wednesday, November 28th 202/336

Talk about one day at a time. Living through tx is very similar to getting sober, which I did 15 years ago, I'm surprised I even have a liver, given the 30 years of abuse it experienced. Every day is a challenge. Last night I had the weirdest dreams, I kept running into people I know and all I would say is that "I couldn't wait to go home and go to bed as I was so tired". Well I guess that pretty well describes the fatigue portion of my treatment. It's so pervasive that it has embedded itself in my sub-conscience. Because I spent the night dreaming about how tired I was, I didn't get out of bed until 11:30. The dog started looking at me and whining at 10:00. The cat started to meow and rub her whiskers in my face. Under the covers I went, no use, the dog would let out a measured bark every 5 minutes. That didn't end it, M came home from school, went and got me a Frappachino at Starbuck's, handed it to me, and said to get up and walk the dog to the river. I told her to do it as I didn't think I was going to make it out the door today, wrong!. She gently removed my blankets, that didn't matter until she forced me to put on a sweater. She's as tall as I am and twice as strong so it was off to the river once again. The dog was happy as was I. The rest of the day was ho hum, just like yesterday and tomorrow except that I go to the study doctor at 9:30 tomorrow and I take shot #30. That's life in the slow lane, all is well and bye for now.

Off to the Big Apple on Saturday, 5th & 57th, 1998

Tuesday, November 27th 201/336

Today I had enough energy to do the usual and then I took my truck to Jiffy Lube for overdo service. This brought up many questions which taxed my brain. Too many decisions on interferon runs one down. As strange as it seems, my trip to Jiffy Lube exhausted me. Should I spend the money on a truck with 70,000 miles or should I sell it and buy a new one. Yes the oil needs changing but do I need to change the transmission fluid and the fuel filter for $160.00? How much is true and how much is real and how much is up sell? I used to run a company with 50 people working for me and decisions were sound and they came fast. Now, decisions on tx are a challenge. Even something as mundane as Jiffy Lube is a challenge for me. The interferon is a window into what it will be like when I'm in my 80's, kind of an unwanted sneak preview. I can't wait to be finished but I still have so far to go. OK, go with the flow, it's only money, do the extras. I started to get chemo sick and I couldn't believe how long they took to do the work. I went home and was sick for 2 hours and then I ate dinner and bathed and I felt better. I don't know how people work a 40 hour week on this crap. All is well and bye for now.

The Lucci's, 1968

Monday, November 26th 200/336

Great day today, I almost felt normal. I awoke at 7:30, had breakfast and then went back to sleep until 10:45. M's teacher excused her for our trip to NYC based on her condition of employment with "Terry Lee Investments", a totally non existent entity. Whatever works is what I always say. Today is 200 days, I glad I've made this far without too much trouble. My virus is undectectable and my bloods are OK. I'm coping well enough with the sides so I have a lot to be thankful for. I have made many friends in cyber space and they have been invaluable on my journey. M and I are headed to NYC on Saturday to meet Iris, Laurie, Jim, and Tea and I think it's great. We have all helped each other in our own way.

I got a half a dozen things done today that I have been avoiding due to brain fog. E mail question to CPA about depreciation, bought a chair on line at Room and Board for the loft, like that.

Terry Van Brunt, aka TVB, aka M's ex husband, is off to Thailand in January to bulid a house on his land in Koh Samui. Our friend Sven, lives on $10.00 a day and calls a tent home, came over last night and TVB is trying to get Sven to come to Thailand to help build the house. Maybe UC can send her future ex so he gets out of her hair, just kidding. I am toying with the idea of going to see him in March to break up the end of tx, I wonder if he will have a refer for my syringes, stay tuned. All is well and bye for now

Bumper Cars, Santa Cruz, 1979

Sunday, Novemeber 25th 199/336

Well, tomorrow will be 200 days into tx. As Jerry Garcia once said, "What a long strange trip it's been!" Thanks Jerry, you are partially at fault here. It's a wonder any of us are still alive after all the misbehaving we did. Of all the people I hung with during the summer of love in SF, we all have the Hep C, except for those who are already dead from cirrosis or liver cancer. The ones I know of, Bob Alacia (AKA the Snake), Skip Chambers, Albert Patane, and Sal Sabella (killed in a shoot out with the police). And then there's the suicides, Tom Balestrieri, Nick Paolini, Brad Paulsen, Roy Buell, and my dear friend Jimmy Plaja. I'll let the dead rest in peace.

Those were very hard times, our government was trying to kill us by drafting us and sending us to Viet Nam. We would all get incredibly fucked up before we went to the draft board. That worked for awile and then they drafted me anyway. I told them I wasn't interested and they let me off.

Oh well, enough about how I find my self 199 days into tx. Starbuck's, dog to the river, 3 hour nap, bath, dinner, empty the dihwasher (my permanent job), Sven and Magda over for a visit. Anti biotics are kicking my ass, when they should be saving my ass. All is well and by for now.

Jerry Garcia

Saturday, November 24th 198/336

We got up early today and went to Peet's, and then on to the Bridge and home to Carmichael. I sat in the back seat with the dog and we maid ourselves a little bed and we laid down and had a nice ride home. I love going to SF and I love coming home to Carmichael. I run myself ragged in SF and then I recuperate in Carmichael. When the loft was for sale, the stagers took the electronics out of the downstairs and when we took it off the market, we left it that way. Low and behold, Magda now loves the loft as we spend intimate time together deep in discussions about the world and the things in it. It was as simple as that. You ladies never cease to amaze us men. Yeah, I know it goes both ways, I have a friend and she talks about men like this, "You can't live with them and you can't shoot them!"

I started my anti-biotics when I got home and we'll see how it goes. My regular doc is on vacation so I'll go into my Hep C study doc and see what she says. I got chemo brian this afternoon, always happens on Saturday but now I'm OK. Tomorrow, one of M's school mates is coming to visit to talk to me about her options involving Hep C. At this point, I feel comfortable discussing her situation as I'm very well versed on the subject. All is well an by for now.

My cat climbed into the bath tub with me this afternoon

Friday, November 23rd 197/336

Yesterday was a lot of fun. We all went to Millenium vegetarian restaurant and it was Fabu! My wallet is $500.00 lighter but I feel it was worth it. My grandsons, 10 & 12, were so well behaved. My shot went well, last night was a little restless but I woke up at 9:30 and I feel good. Today, TVB and I are going to MOMA, maybe the movies and dinner at Saha with David, Ann, TVB, MVB, me, and maybe Jesse Fowler. MOMA always seems to make me sick with Chemo brain, I don't know why. We visited a frozen car that was in a freezer and we had to wear blankets to get in. M wanted to go Downtown shopping, big mistake, the people were 20 deep everywhere we went. Macy's should be very happy. I have yet another staph infection in the usual spot, so it's off to the emergency room tommorrow when we get to Sacramento. This is the 3rd major infection I have had in 29 weeks. All is well and bye for now.

Thursday, November 22nd 196/336 Shot #29

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Wednesday, November 21st 195/336

Great day all in all. Starbucks, walk to the river etc. M's teacher said she would fail her if she went to NYC unless she had a note from a doctor or her employer. Being as she has her real estate license under my brokers license, I had to write a note saying that her attendance is a condition of her employment. We'' see how that flies. Off to SF. All is well and bye for now.

Wild Turkeys near my house in Carmichael. Photo Credit Lezlie Sterling

Tuesday, November 20th 194/336

Another happy day in the neighborhood. I woke up feeling groovy and the rest of the day went well. Starbuck's, dog to the park etc. I took M to downtown Sacramento for lunch at Thai Basil and then we went to Sac State to pay M's winter break tuition. Can you believe it, she is taking a full credit class over the holidays that's done in 3 weeks. It is called "Drugs and Behavior". Maybe she can learn about what Interferon and Rebetol do to a person's brain and how it affects one's behavior and thinking. Come to think of it, you have to experience these meds in order to understand what they do and how they make you feel. As hard as people try, you have to live it to understand the effects. For me, it's doable but I would rather have skipped it. I'll do it again if I have too, but hopefully, the first time is the charm. M and I are going to NYC and we're very excited as we get to meet many of my treatment friends. This is one of the nice things about tx, I have received a great deal of support and advice from these people. UC, in demanding I treat and Teastar showing me the way. All is well and bye for now.

The Nile, 2004

Monday,November 19th 193/336

I woke up at 5:00am and I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to take a sleeping pill, have breakfast, and take 3 Ribavirens. Wrong, big mistake, M came in at 10:30 and asked, "what kind of behavior is this?". Upsidaisy, read the paper, do the crossword, get dressed and take the dog on walk to the river. Came home and went to Les Schwab and had my tire fixed. I love Les Schwab, never a charge to fix your tires.

We're off to SF on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. M, TVB, JVB, my daughter and my 2 grandsons are having dinner at 2:45 at Millenium Vegetarian restraunt. I'm not to sure how that will go with my daughter as she is strictly carniverous.

Today was a good day in the land of tx, i just can't believe how long it takes, 48 weeks is forever. Some people go 72 weeks, poor babies. My Sac State drawing teacher is back from China, she had a major installation at the center court of the new opera house in Goungchow(Think Canton). She has an MA from Sac State and an MBA from Stanford. She has 1000 paintings she's made and she needs some galleries torepresent her. http://www.brenda-louie.net

All is well and bye for now

Moscow

Sunday, November 18th 192/336

Woke up this morning feeling groovy. TVB and I went to Starbucks and I got money from the ATM as miss M cleaned me out. I went to get my tire fixed but they were closed. I can never figure out why some businesses close on Sunday as they pay the rent everyday. Went shopping for groceries and then came home and took a little nap, shower and dinner. M came home from the hot springs and said she froze her ass off camping. I don't like the hot springs too much. If you ever wonder where all the hippy acid heads from the 60's disappeared to I have the answer.

Although all central Oregon communities have undergone rapid changes, none has been more profoundly affected by the new times than the tiny ranching town of Antelope. In June 1981, followers of Indian guru Bhagwan Shree Rashneesh purchased the 64,000 acre Big Muddy Ranch near Antelope for $5.7 million, establishing a community they called Rashneeshpuram. The Rashneeshees, as they were known, gained control of the Antelope City Council in 1984 and changed the name of Antelope to Rashneesh. In August 1984, the sect began bussing homeless people from other U.S. cities to Rashneeshpuram, and registering them as Wasco County voters. After a series of bizarre incidents including an alleged attempt to poison residents of The Dalles, the Bhagwan and some of his followers fled to North Carolina. There he was arrested on charges of immigration fraud and was brought back to Oregon for trial. He was convicted, fined $400,000, and deported from the United States. The faithful accompanied the Bhagwan back to Pune, India, the homeless drifted away, the ranch was sold to new owners, and life eventually returned to normal in Antelope, which got its old name back in 1986.

Many of them now live at Harbin Hot Springs, about 200 of them. A motley crew totally detached from any concrete reality.

All is well and bye for now.

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Saturday, November 17th 191/336

I don't have much trouble sleeping on these meds. Slept 10 hours last night and then an under the covers nap from 12 to 3. The problem is, when I wake up, I'm still tired, how can this be? M and her friends went to the hot springs for an over night and they are sleeping outside as there are no more rooms available. Good luck. I'm very proud of M, she has been accepted at Columbia in NYC without applying. Phi Beta Kappa is enough. She'll stay at Sac state till she graduates. Me, I need to re-focus as I need this need tx to be over and I have such a long way to go. All this and I might relapse when it's finished. I didn't have much of a choice and I still don't. A friend said, "It takes courage to start tx, strength to continue and perseverence to finish. I'm running short on strength so I guess I have to persevere. All is well and bye for now.

Sail Boats from the South Tower of the Golden Gate Bridge, 2000

Friday, November 16th 190/336

Today I caught a little break, Peg & and Riba gave me a "no nap day". I did alot of Christmas shopping on line and ordered Christmas cards. M took the dog to get his teeth cleaned this morning and I picked him up at 3:00. Another $200.00. I'm thinking of doing a painting for my 9 month old grand daughter, It will have a flying Dumbo elephant, a giraffe pealing around the side of the painting and a frog peeking up from the bottom, trees, hills, flowers and a river. Now, all I have to do is get motivated and find enough concentration to start. Concentration is critical and I ain't got it. M and some of her friends are going to the hot springs tomorrow, and staying overnight, so I'll have a lot of time on my hands. All is well and bye for now.

Thursday, November 15th 189/336 Shot #28

Today was nice. The usual fatigue etc. This morning Magda announced that I was really irritating her lately. I can understand fully,I'm irritating me too. I have been feeling like my brains are in a blender and sometimes I'm not sure what's real and unreal and where I'm at in my life. I feel as though I've been in this twilight zone forever. Boredom is my biggest problem and it results from the unrelenting fatigue. The other problem I'm having is that I can't seem to filter the crap that comes out of my mouth as I can't distinguish between what's appropriate and what's not. This may result in my having to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to isolate but it might happen anyway. As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a little nuts.

M went to the drive-thru car wash and got claustraphobic and set of all the alarms when she left too soon. She had to get the attendant to accompany her through a second time. Oh well, at least the car is clean. All is well and bye for now.

Candied Apples, 2000

Wednesday, Novemeber 14th 188/336

The hits keep coming during week 27. So far, bad weeks have been 8,9,13,19 & 27. Spent most of the day on the couch, tx sides plus a sprained back have slowed me down once again. How people work on this crap is beyond me.

I'm getting ready for our trip to NYC, arrive 12/01, leave 12/06. We stay in a loft apartment 0n W 36th between 6&7. The loft is owned by Nigel and Jackie and they stay in my SF loft when they come to town. We came up with the exchange a few years ago on Craig's List and it's worked out very nicely. It should be a lot of fun as I love being there. UC, if you can make it, we can offer you a place to stay.

All is well and bye for now.

Waiting, 1998

Tuesday, November 13th 187/336

Things are much better today, Got up at 8:00 and M and i and David went to Il Fornio for breakfast. We all 3 had French toast. After that, we went to the loft and packed up and headed home to Sacramento. M drove to Fairfield and then I drove the rest of the way to Carmichael.

Yesterday was very intense, the interferon decided to pegulate and it knocked me on my ass. It even lowered my seratonin so that I became depressed while on 40 mgs of Prozac. I didn't care if I woke up today or not. Yesterday was the first time in 186 days that I entered the dark side. Well today is another day and I'm back to being little miss sunshine.

Last night, M and I went to a benefit for the "Orphans of Rwanda". it was very good and I learned alot more about my favorite charity. http://www.orphansofrwanda.org/

All is well and bye for now

48 Beach Chairs, 2006

Monday, November 12th 186/336

Well, well, well, only 150 days to go, isn't that something to look forward to. I have been hiding behind, "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Well, today I added a new little twist to it, "That which kills you, kills you"

I went to Peet's with M for coffee and then I had lunch with Ainslee and Ann, lots of fun. I came home and M had thoroughly cleaned and dusted the whole apartment. Off we went to MOMA and I got knocked silly with tx sickness. Sick as a dog! Take me home. This was the way I had expected to feel when I started tx not 27 weeks in on a Monday. Couldn't have felt any worse. When I get sick I don't like to talk to people because I'm sick and it's such an effort to make a sentence. Unfortunately, people feel I don't want to talk to them so they talk more which makes it harder yet. Oh well, such is life on Interferon and Rebetol. I don't know how my friend TeaStarWitch has gone 69 weeks on this crap, I feel like I have radiation sickness. I'm starting to feel better so I'm going to give the lecture for the "Orphans of Rawanda" a try. Things are looking up and bye for now.

The newly cleaned loft

Sunday, November 11th 185/336

Got up at 10:00, went to Starbuck's and then off to Bambino's in Cole Valley for lunch with my old friend Millicent Buxton-Smith(Sounds rich huh). Mill treated 48 weeks 2 years ago and relapsed 4 weeks after she finished. A sad story indeed, I hope I fare better when I'm done. Mill has been selling houses she owns in SF and buying apartment buildings in SF, good for her. Mill had such a hard time on tx, she couldn't believe how well I was doing, could have fooled me. After lunch, I came home and then M and I walked along the beach for a few miles. I actually felt better when I finished than when I started.

The beach is closed as a super tanker drove into the Bay Bridge and 58,000 gallons of diesel fuel was spilled in the Bay, What's really irritating is that the Coast Guard called the pilot and told him he was going to hit the bridge and he told them they were wrong. Big ass Boo Boo! This usually stunning beach was sadly all blocked off by cleaning crew, who has been working around the clock to clear the 58,000 gallons oil that spilled. The rescue society has been working to salvage the birds and the sea lions many of whom are already dead. Interestingly, the animals that have been covered in oil the most are the ones that have the highest rate of survival.

My dog is very tired from his multiple walks. Tomorrow it's off to lunch with Ainslee Tillbrook(love that girl's name). Tomorrow night M and I are off to a lecture by an anthropologist on the Orphans of Rawanda, a group I support. M and I are both very happy we didn't sell the loft. All is well and bye for now.

Brooklyn Bridge and Twin Towers, 1980

Saturday, Novemeber 10th 184/336

We made it to SF after much delay because of accidents. Week 27 is turning out to be an ass kicker. "Extreme fatigue" (think permanent inter-continetal jet lag) "Brain Fog" (think of losing 80% of your ability to concentrate) and, last but not least, "Chemo Brain" (Think that your head is 10 feet under water and it sounds like the sound is coming through the water) Tinitis (Ear Ringing is always a favorite). Enough negativity, Now what was good about today. We went another day without M or me snapping at each other. Sven and his Magda, we know a lot of Magda's, came by to visit with us for 4 hours. It was really nice to see them. Sven has just returned from a motorcycle trip from Norway to Italy over 5 months and his tales were interesting. He's unique in that he lives life on $10.00 a day and he has no home besides his tent. His Magda is almost as pretty as my Magda and she is really pressuring him to settle down. Listening to them talk about a diamond ring was truly painful. He doesn't understand spending that kind of money on anything but extended travel. They're cute but they have totally different goals. Misako is coming to spend the night which should be fun. Tomorrow it's off to brunch with Mill and Dave. All is well and bye for now.

Sunrise, Ken Butori, Gustine, Ca 1972

Friday, November 9th 183/336

Today was a post shot day and I slept all afternoon. I feel like I'm wasting my life on this treatment, every day is the same, and I feel 90 years old. The treatment has beat me down again, it just takes too long and there is no end in sight. I should be painting and biking and going to school and traveling, instead, I feel like a shut in. Ok, enough whining!

Tomorrow M and I are off to SF for Saturday, Sunday & Monday, a change of scene will do me good. Tomorrow we have lunch with Sven and the other Magda and dinner with Masako, aka ur geshia gurl. Sunday, it's lunch with Millicent and Dave. Mill treated 2 years ago, had a terrible time and then relapsed at 2 months. Her husband Dave is a physician and he founded the Haight Ashbury Medical Clinic in SF. He's a director at Betty Ford and Bill Clinton had him as a final candidate for the drug Czar a few years ago. He is now president of the International Council of Addictive Medicine. Quite the character, ta boot. It should be fun. Bye for now.

Thursday, November 8th 182/336 shot #27

OK, no more poetry per M's instruction. I just did shot #27 and time will tell the outcome. I've been doing pretty well for the last 6 weeks, not much to complain about. I guess my biggest problem is the boredom I experience. Tx makes me tired and lethargic and the thought of doing things is taxing. It's hard to describe, but the process of thinking about reading, or painting or talking on the phone is tiring. I never thought that thinking could be tiring but it is. Magda's school is very intense for her, particularly at this time in the semester.

This economy is very strange. It seems to be all smoke and mirrors. It's only a matter of time before families start to collapse under the economic strain of energy, mortgages and inflation. I don't know how some of my acquaintances are making ends meet. I went to 25% cash in my portfolio on Monday, leaving 37% in bonds and 37% in mutual funds. I might lighten up again next month depending on how things look. This war has been a disaster of epic proportions. Think of all the good things we could have done with the money. It's projected to cost every man, woman and child $8,000.00. All this so Bush can show the world what a big dick he has. All is well and by for now.

Dolores Street, 1978

Wednesday, November 7th 181/336

May the good lord be with you down every road you roam.

And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you’re far from home.

And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true.

And do unto others as you’d have done to you.

Be courageous and be brave.

May good fortune be with you.

May your guiding light be strong.

Build a stairway to heaven with a princess or a vagabond.

And when you finally fly away, I’ll be hoping that I've served you well.

For all the wisdom of a lifetime, no one can ever tell.

But, whatever road you choose, I’m right behind you, win or lose.

And may you never love in vain, and in my heart you will remain, forever young.


Words and Music by Kevin Stuart, James Savigar, James Cregan, Rod Stewart, and Bob Dylan

Shannon & Lamisse, 1997

Tuesday, Novemeber 6th 180/336

I woke up today feeling groovy, no problems to speak of, except for the usual fatigue. We went to Peet's and took the dog to the park and pretty much just hung around. I'm starting to buy presents and I try to do one a day. Ur Geshia Gurl came by today for a visit with her son Kodai. He's really cute and funny and I taught him how to say "daddy is a fatso", he thought that was hilarious. M and I are off to SF this weekend and I'm thinking about painting the loft a different color as I'm tired of the brown. It seems like I've been on tx forever, will it ever end? I can't wait to be able to ride a bike. All is well and by for now.

Should I paint?

Monday, November 5th 179/336

As usual, I couldn't wake up this morning. Magda was at her 9:00 class and the dog and the cat grew tired of watching me sleep. They each jumped on to the bed and sat next to each other and then they started performing. The cat would meow and the dog would whine and they wouldn't stop until I got up. After I said yesterday that I couldn't concentrate to paint or draw I decided that enough was enough and I finished a painting I had abandoned a couple of years ago, is a painting ever finished?. I find that I can paint small things or abstractions so that's what I'll do when I can.

The property tax bills and my new found philanthrophy have me in savings this month. My building in Oklahoma City wire transfers money to my account on the 8th, not a day too soon. It's been a good provider so far. I paid cash for it when I sold the building my biz occupied in SF a couple of years ago and it has turned out to be a very go move. http://www.garageloftokc.com/

Feeeling fine and all is well and bye for now:-)

The painting I finished yesterday(too much camera flash distorts it a little)

Sunday, November 4th 178/336

I can see clearly now, the fog is gone till who knows when. M and I went to Peet's for coffee and it was like a dog show. There were 8 or 9 dogs all with their owners and they were all competing for affection. Went home and took a little rest and the dog sat in front of me and whimpered every 30 seconds until I got up and took him for his walk to the river. The animal has me wrapped around his paw. M says that I'm his bitch.

TX has taught me a lot, overall I view it as a positive experience. I'm stronger and I've learned compassion and humility, a year on this poison changes you forever. When I first started, I told M that I thought I would never be the same after this experience, little did I know the the majority of the changes would be for the better. I have an attitude of gratitude and I'm very happy to have met M, we have grown very close through all this. As positive as I am, it ain't been all that easy. The hardest part has been not being able to paint and draw as my concentration is shot and not being able to exercise and feeling tired and weak all of the time. I'm way into it but I have a long road ahead of me. 15 years sober, one day at a time and "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" works for me. All is well and bye for now.

This is the child I'm sponsoring through "Save the Children". Marilene Orelus of Haiti, age 6.

Saturday, November 3rd 177/336

I couldn't wake up today until almost 11:00 O'clock. Getting up is always a struggle for me on tx, it's like rising from the dead. I woke up so late that I had to jam to shower, run to Starbuck's and then off to catch the train home to Carmichael. I really enjoy my 2 day trips to SF every other week. I am so glad I didn't take a car as I would have crashed for sure, I was pretty out of it on the train. While everybody talks to me on the City bus, I find that no one has much to say on the train and that's OK too. I listened to my Ipod and read 2 newspapers and then M picked me up at the station. I went home and fogged out on the couch for an hour and then my head cleared and I was OK. I am so thankful that I have not yet had an ache, pain, headache, fever or chills. My sides are extreme fatigue (I've gotten used to that) and Chemo brain and brain fog (I will never get used to that). Magda has statrted a blog and she is very excited! I'm happy as a clam (Thank you Prozac) All is well and bye for now.

Northern Idaho, 2002/Also a CD jacket cover

Friday, November 2nd 176/336

Shot #26 last night, slept 12 hours and got up feeling good. This medicine is the strangest shit ever, you never know when it's going to take you out. I took the bus downtown to my lawyer's office and as we went through Chinatown, an elderly Asian man fell and landed on my lap. We laughed and he sat next to me. He could barley speak English but we had a nice talk anyway. His wife never gives him any money and makes him clean the house and then she sends him out to ride the bus all day. He seemed OK with it. Went to Starbuck's and then the attorney's office. The next bus I took found me sitting next to SF comedian Bob Sarrlott. We went to high school together and we had a nice chat about mutual friends. He's been in several films but I forget what they are. Went to Chow for lunch with Jesse, Pete, Mike, Jamie and Pete's asst Brad. That was really fun, Jamie used to work with me and now he is the managing broker at Hill & Company Real Estate. He also goes into San Quentin on Sunday nights as the Buddist priest for the Buddist inmates. I went to see American Gangster and I really enjoyed it. I got chemo brain about halfway through the film, but what else is new. I'm fortunate that I can function most of the time. My final bus ride had me sitting next to a man who was talking out loud and he started to bother me so I asked him, "Are you taking your meds?" he asked, "Can you hear my thoughts?" and I told him yes. A very interesting day on public transportation. Trader Joe's is around the corner from the loft and I bought some sushi for dinner. I take the train back to Carmichael tommorrow. All is well and bye for now

Ballerina, 2000

Thursday, November 1st 175/336 Shot # 26

Halloween was a blast. The kids came and we trick or treated in our neighborhood and they really had fun. They decided to start calling M grandma! Keep in mind that their mother is 32 and M is 31. I don't think M knew what to do about her new title.

The news about my dog Billy was not good at all. He has degenerative disks in his back(3) and he has about a year until we have to put him down. He is only 4 years old and we're just sick about it.

My daughter drove me to the train station in Sacramento and she and I had frappachinos before I walked to the train to SF. The train is so relaxing. I was waiting for a bus in Downtown SF when I got into a long conversation with a homeless man. I seem to attract them every time I'm in town. I guess it's because I'm nice to them. After a little while I noticed his tracks and I said, "you have to wear long sleeves bro! you can't walk around town advertising your tracks". He said, "I know, I shouldn't walk around looking like a hype" We siad good by and went our separate ways.

I walked around the corner and had crab chippano at the San Remo Rest. It was very good. They claim that they are the oldest rest in the US, I wonder?

Tomorrow is lunch with the boys and then I'm going to try to see American Gangster with Danzel Washington. All is well and bye for now.

Mazatlan, 1978