Saturday, January 12th 247/336

My Rebetol has given me a rash on both sides of my neck since December 1st. it itches like crazy at night and keeps me awake. I started with the steroidal cream today so we’ll see how it goes.

The interferon settles in one’s cerebral cortex and causes all sorts of problems mentally. The Prozac helps with the seratonin but not the brain fog and dopamine depletion. This is why I can still get depressed even though I’m still loaded up on Prozac. I’ve developed some new tools to avoid the depression when I feel it coming my way. I avoid situations that might trigger it. The funeral yesterday is an example. The holidays totally blindsided me to the max. Today when it started circling I used my new tool. I revisit a situation where I have felt totally alive and grateful. I relived our visit to Auschwitz and remembered the 1/4 mile walk from the train to the gas chambers. I relived the feeling I had as being one who got to turn around and walk away.

Auschwitz not only warehoused and disposed of jews, gypsies and gays, it also held the polish freedom fighters. Magda’s grandfather and his twin brother were among them. Magda’s grand father stole a cat and made cat soup for the prisoners. He was caught and made to hang upside down for 3 days, a sure death. In the middle of the night, they switched the twin brothers and they both lived. The twin brother died in the camp a little later and the Grand farther died from Cirrosis(sp) at the age of 45. It was moving to see M’s great uncle’s photo on the wall.

So what’s this all about anyway. It’s this, we don’t have any problems on tx when we put things in perspective and life is what you make it. We have a choice.

All is well and bye for now.

The path back from the gas chamber